Saturday, April 01, 2006

April Humor

Irish Humor

Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty
years, but he will kill any man who does.
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Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks
he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
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The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often
among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy
opponent.
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An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an
Irishman a question, he answers with another question? "Who told you
that?" asked Paddy.
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Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer - So the English can understand them.
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Rei

lly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and
announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
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Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."
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Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in
the vase on the mantle piece?"
"No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."
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Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.
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Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clockin
the morning. I can't break her of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.
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Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" He said.
"Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"
"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.
"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."
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"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your
wife's appearance?"
"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"
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Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all
night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
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My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex
life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and
highlights of theirs?


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Hazardous to Your Health
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it.

Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

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"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take - but by the moments that take our breath away."

INTERNATIONAL RULES OF MANHOOD

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is ok for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden.
However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask
the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought
her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a
tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever! Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.


16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.



18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.



19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.



20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.



21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!



22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.



23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.



24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.



25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.



26: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.



27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.



28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics.
Ever!



We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below.



GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"



BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"



We hope this clears up any confusion.

International Council of Manhood





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GCFD Priorities (GCFD = Geezer, Codger, Fogey, Duffer)

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for the little blue "Viagra" pill.

The pharmacist asked "How many?"

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through intimacy.

The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past eighty years old and I don't even think about intimacy much anymore.

I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new golf shoes.


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Good News/Bad News

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered the door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife,"
said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued. "When we pulled her up she had two 25 pound king crabs and six good-size Dungeness crabs on her."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

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Living Will

Me and my better half were sitting in the living room and I said to her, " Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out all my beer.

"Bitch"

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Life is so hard at times.

Yesterday I got Preparation 'H' mixed up with Poli-Grip.

Now I talk like an asshole... but my gums don't itch!


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Man in bar: I think my wife is dead

Bartender: What makes you say that?

Man in bar: Well, the sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up.

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Bits of Wisdom

a. Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

b. A backward poet writes inverse.

c. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

d. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

e. Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

f. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

g. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

h. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

i. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

j. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

k. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

l. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

m. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

n. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

o. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

p. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

q. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

r. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

s. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

t. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

u. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

v. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

w. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

x. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

y. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

z. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

aa. Every calendar's days are numbered.

ab. A lot of money is tainted - 'taint yours and 'taint mine.

ac. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

ad. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

ae. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

af. A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

ag. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

ah. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

ai. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

aj. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

ak. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

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ZEN SARCASM

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I
may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me
alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky
tire.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That
way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and
he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably
worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad
judgment.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back
in your pocket

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it
holds the universe together.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the
same night.

There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a
big deal about your birthday...around age 11.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

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