Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Humor, March 1, 2006

Here's a chuckle or a guffaw - whatever floats your boat!

==========================================================================

I came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle
strength in the arms and shoulders.

It seems so easy, I thought I'd pass it on.

The article suggested doing it three days a week.
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out
from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can.
Try to reach a full minute, then relax.
Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit
longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. Potato sacks. Then 50-lb.
potato sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a
100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for
more than a full minute.

Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato
in each of the sacks.I


============================================================================

New Doctor

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
"Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a crap?"


==================================================================================

FAMOUS QUOTATIONS, you may have seen before but they are worth another read,


"Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
- Lillian Carter (mother of 64th president Jimmy Carter)

"I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
- Eleanor Roosevelt

"Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement."
- Mark Twain

"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible."
- George Burns

"Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year."
- Victor Borge

"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."
- Mark Twain

"What would men be without women? Scarce, sir..mighty scarce."
- Mark Twain

"By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get" a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
- Groucho Marx

"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe."
- Jimmy Durante

"The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things."

- Jilly Cooper

"I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor


"Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat."
- Alex Levine

"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."
- Mark Twain

"My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying."
- Ed Furgol

"Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery."
- Spike Milligan

"What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money."
- Henny Youngman

"I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position."
- Mark Twain

"Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up."
- Joe Namath

"Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life."
- Herbert Henry Asquith

"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
- Bob Hope

"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it."
- WC. Fields

"We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress."
- Will Rogers

"Don't worry about avoiding temptation... as you grow older, it will avoid you."
- Winston Churchill

"Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out."
- Phyllis Diller

"The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out."
- Jan Szelewa

"By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere."
- Billy Crystal

=============================================================================

WHY PARENTS DRINK


The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss
asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a
message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home,
the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the
whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded
like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked,
"What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now truly
alarmed.

In an awed, whispering voice the child answered, "The search
team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little
frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a
muffled giggle:

"ME."

=====================================================================

A old man was sitting on a bench in the mall. A young man walked up to the
bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colours; green, red,
orange, blue and yellow. The old man just stared. Everytime the young man
looked, the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically,
"Whats the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?
"Without batting a eye, the old man replied, " Got drunk once and had sex
with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Redneck Love Poem.....

Collards is green,
my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
but I luv you anyway.

Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we're in a crowd.

On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape
yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles
and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin'.
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,
these won't do.
Cause yor'e too special,
you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds...
IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!

Luv, from yor romeo

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Joliet Blonde -

A young blonde woman in Joliet, Illinois, was so depressed that she
decided to end her life by throwing herself into the I&M canal. She
went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when
a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the dock,
crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm
off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on
my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving
closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulders and added, "I'll keep
you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a
fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece
of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by
the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get
food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said.
"This is the Empress Casino, and we never leave Joliet."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The Deaf Bookkeeper

Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten
million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational
benefit, and why he got the job in the
first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able
to hear anything he'd
ever have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to shakedown
the bookkeeper
about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows
sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you
embezzled from me?"
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million
dollar is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are
talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're
talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the
bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't
tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"


"He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A GOOD PUN IS ITS OWN RE-WORD
· Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery.
· A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
· Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
· A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
· Shotgun wedding; a case of wife or death.
· If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?
· Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
· A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
· Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
· Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
· Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
· Banning the bra was a big flop.
· Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
· Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
· A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
· Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
· A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
· Without geometry, life is pointless.
· When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
· Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
· A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
· Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
· When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
· A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
· What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)
· A backward poet writes inverse.
· In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
· A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
· If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
· With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
· Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft, and I'll show you a flat minor.
· When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
· The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
· A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
· You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
· He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
· Every calendar's days are numbered.
· A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
· A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
· He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
· The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium large.
· Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
· Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
· When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
· Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
· Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
· Acupuncture is a jab well done.
· Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Gotta love the south!



After the tourist had been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, He
beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly,
luvly lady; Can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl.
Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're
nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just
slip away up to your room?"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same
table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"

"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure'preciate what y'all Just
did for me; it was real sweet and right neighborly, but where ah come from
in Alabama, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all
for a piece uh ass for mah drink."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Puns

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Paddy and St. Pat's Day

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the
night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, " You'll
not be drinking anymore tonight,Paddy "Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be
on my way then."Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls
flat on his face."Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and
dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on
his face."Shoite, Shoite!" He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself
that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the doorframe. He sticks
his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much
better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face.
"Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says. He can see his house just a
few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the doorframe,
opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says
"No fockin' way". But he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and
says "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls
flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed. The next
morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and
says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?" Paddy says,
"I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"

"Mick phoned, . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

An Old Farmer's Advice

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and
bull-strong.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John
Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are
whispered...not yelled.
* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner
than you.
* It don't take a very big person to carry a
grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never
gonna happen anyway.
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best
answer.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get
older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't
botherin' you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain
dance.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing
to do is stop diggin'.
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever
have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every
mornin'.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta
that comes from bad judgment.
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot
easier than puttin' it back in.
* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some
influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak
kindly.
Leave the rest to God.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Mensa's New Words


The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to
take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting,
or changing of one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this
year's {2005) winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts
until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that
stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer,
unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose
of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

12. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all
these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and
it's like, a serious bummer.

13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.

14. Glibido: All talk and no action.

15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
when they come at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just
after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets
into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm
in the fruit you're eating.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++



Grandpa’s advice



This is a short story written by a grandson who had a very special
relationship with his Grandpa. Many of us unfortunately were born after
our own Grandpas had passed on and never had the opportunity to enjoy
moments like this. The grandson writes...

I hope this will again confirm that the most important information in your
life won't come from a teacher, the library or the Internet. It comes from
a mentor, and always on a very personal level.

My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up and for me it is a time
to reminisce. We used to take long walks and drives together. He would
make special trips to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him.

I was young when he died. If he were living today and sharing his pearls
of wisdom, I'd be a better man. Those gems were all well and good, but the
one I remember best came from him when I was only 12.

We were sitting in a park, watching children with their mothers enjoying a
beautiful spring day. He told me that one day, I'd find a woman and start
my own family. Then came the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice
when he said, "And be sure you marry a woman with small hands."

"Why should I do that, Grandpa?" I asked.

"It makes your pecker look bigger."

It kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

THE BLONDE AND THE LORD



A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.



After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,



"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."



Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."



The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.



The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."



She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?"



The voice replied,



"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++=

Military Quotes


"Aim towards the Enemy."
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
--------------------------------------------------------------------

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
- U.S. Marine Corps
----------------------------------------------------------------

"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are
guaranteed to always hit the ground."
- USAF Ammo Troop
----------------------------------------------------------------

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal
----------------------------------------------------------------

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just
bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Manual
--------------------------------------------------------------------

"Whoever said the pen is might ier than the sword obviously never
encountered automatic weapons."
- General MacArthur
----------------------------------------------------------------

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
- Infantry Journal
--------------------------------------------------------------------

"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance
--------------------------------------------------------------------

"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal
--------------------------------------------------------------------

"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer
to do anything."
- U.S. Navy Swabbie
--------------------------------------------------------------------

"Bravery is be ing the only one who knows you're afraid."
- David Hackworth
--------------------------------------------------------------------

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." -
Infantry Journal
-------------------------------------------------------------------

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
- Joe Gay
--------------------------------------------------------------------

"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once."
- Anonymous
--------------------------------------------------------------------

"Never tell the platoon sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Marine Recruit
--------------------------------------------------------------------

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
- Your Buddies
--------------------------------------------------------------------

"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."
- USAF Ammo Troop
------- -------------------------------------------------------------

"Though I fly through the valley of death, I shall fear no evil. For I am
at 80,000 Feet and climbing."
- At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan
--------------------------------------------------------------------

"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
--------------------------------------------------------------------

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
--------------------------------------------------------------------

"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than
submarines in the sky."
- From an old carrier sailor
--------------------------------------------------------------------

"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a
helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
---------------------- ----------------------------------------------

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have
enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
--------------------------------------------------------------------

"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying
club."
--------------------------------------------------------------------

"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?

If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies."
--------------------------------------------------------------------

"Never trade luck for skill."
--------------------------------------------------------------------

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?"
"Where are we?"
and "Oh Shit!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------

"Weather foreca sts are horoscopes with numbers."
--------------------------------------------------------------------

"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot
pregnant."
--------------------------------------------------------------------

"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully
complete the flight."
--------------------------------------------------------------------

"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row
is prevarication."
--------------------------------------------------------------------

"I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."
--------------------------------------------------------------------

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------

"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the
purpose of storing dead batteries."
--------------------------------------------------------------------

"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a
person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about
it." --------------------------------------------------------------------

"When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten."
--------------------------------------------------------------------

"Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held
on a sunny day."
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"When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest,
cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible." -
Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII
--------------------------------------------------------------------

"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the wo rld; it can just barely
kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
--------------------------------------------------------------------

"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its
maximum."
- Jon McBride, astronaut
--------------------------------------------------------------------

"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the
crash as possible."
- Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
--------------------------------------------------------------------

"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
--------------------------------------------------------------------

"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
--------------------------------------------------------------------

"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go
near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the
appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is
much more difficult to fly there."
--------------------------------------------------------------------

"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power
to taxi to the terminal."
--------------------------------------------------------------------

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off
the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives. The
rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?".

The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"
- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Drunk
A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunk

en
stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.



"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!



He slams the door and returns to bed."Who was that?" asked his wife.



"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.



"Did you help him?" she asks.



"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out ther

e!"



"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember, abo

ut
three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I thi

nk
you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"



The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"



"Yes" comes back the answer.



"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.



"Yes, please!" came the reply from the dark.



"Where are you?" asks the husband "Over here on the swing!", replies the
drunk.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++