Thursday, January 19, 2006

Things Your Instructor Didn't Tell You! (Scuba diving Humor)

From time to time we get humor that is particularly good or apropos to scuba diving. Here is a set of 'funnies' or truisms sent me by Bill Henss.

Things Your Instructor Didn't Tell You!


* Don't take up diving to get a suntan.
* People who look good with a mask on are usually ugly without one.
* Inverse Law of Patches: A diver's ability is inversely proportional to
the number of patches they wear
* Diving unprotected with a stranger is like having unprotected sex with
a stranger.
* Never clear a snorkel on a Mexican Federale'
* Anyone who says they have never been afraid while diving hasn't been
diving or is a bad liar.
* Never use a sun intensifier lotion within 30 miles of the Equator.
* People say the funniest things when you shut their air off.
* Never have sex underwater above a coral reef.
* Dry Suits and Beers do not mix
* How to avoid shark attacks:
1. Never Leave Kansas
2. Roll in manure before diving. Sharks hate anything breaded
3. Always dive with a buddy. On sharks approach, point to buddy
4. Dive with a briefcase. Shark may mistake you for an attorney and
leave you alone out of professional courtesy
* Buddies are never where you need them to be.
* You WILL run out of film before the Whale Shark Swims By
* 60 minute camcorder batteries aren't
* One should never make a night dive on a coral reef after taking:
1. Acid
2. Marijuana
3. Black Russians
4. Prosaic
5. Sleeping Pills
* You can spot divers by:
1. Funny Tan Lines
2. Big Watch
3. Says "Huh" alot
4. Bad shocks and springs in car
5. Scars from trigger fish bites
6. Expertise on anti-histamines
* You can spot old time divers by:
1. Funny Tan Lines
2. Big Expensive Watch
3. Old Jeep with bad shocks
4. Log Book has volume number on cover
5. Deaf in at least one ear
6. Has multiple scars.
7. Has cylinders older than you are
8. Talks about making their first wet suit
9. Dive gear is faded
10. Limps from Dysbaric Osteonecrosis
* You can spot newbie divers by:
1. Sunburned
2. Timex Watch
3. Nice car
4. Fills in all the blanks in their logbook
5. No diving related scars
6. Says "Wow, did you see that" alot
7. Equipment looks nice
8. Perfect hearing

Good Things to say to Students or Things Instructors Say

* Welcome to the foodchain folks, you are no longer on the top!
* So what's your point?
* Ah, we did cover this in class didn't we?
* What part of this did you understand?
* No, descending butt first is not acceptable
* You couldn't make it to class because your what died?
* I'm sorry, but no matter what the store owner said I'm not going to
carry all your gear around for you
* Yes Sir, a bad attitude does come with the job
* I see, you just forgot to mention the epilepsy
* Yes, I know you were scared, but don't ever bite me again!
* What do you mean you always bleed like that?
* You don't want to do the buddy breathing because you have what!
* No, this isn't all I do for a living
* Yes, this is what I do for a living...why?
* No Sir, I really can't explain all the biochemical reactions in the
body to hyperbaric stress..BTW, what did you say you did for a living?
* Don't worry about this dive UNLESS..______ ! (fill in from below)
1. You hear the theme music from JAWS
2. You see someones foot hanging out of a fish's mouth
3. All the fish on the reef disappear
4. You see the boat pass you going down while you're on the anchor
* You know your too deep when I start looking good
* You know you need to lose weight when remore' and pilot fish start
hanging around you.
* You know you need to lose a lot of weight when you can't complete a
beach dive because the "Save The Whale Foundation" folks keep pushing
you back in the water.

Things Dive Masters Say

* I don't care who the hell you are Mr. Cousteau. Everyone does a pool
* To a nice looking lady carrying her handbag onboard:
o Can I help you with that mam?
* To a guy carrying a set of twin 120's onboard
o Looks heavy dude!
* You should've been here last week, the visibility was great
* You didn't see the whale shark?
* This is just my day job. I want to be an instructor and make the big

Things Store Owners Say

* REFUNDS!..We Don't Give No Stinking REFUNDS!!!!
* Ok, it's 2 AM, you drive till we get there
* As their instructor, they trust sell like hell!
* Look, I'm, letting you take the boat trips for free, what else do you
* I can't pay you anymore, you know I don't make money on classes
* I can't pay you anymore, you know I don't make money on trips
* I can't pay you anymore, you know I don't make money on equipment
* Sorry about the problem with that check
* Well, I couldn't find the student certification forms you signed, so I
signed them off myself. BTW, did I mention that I had enough
certifications now to get my Master Instructor!
* Let's see, that will be $3,289...ooops! I forgot the mask clear, that
will be $3,292.45!
* If I gave you 10% off, I couldn't stay in business!
* It's the instructor's fault
* Sure, anyone can learn to dive, now what was that problem you had?
* Ok, so your out of the hospital, when can you take another class?
* You want a compass...hmmm, you must mean a directional monitor

Things Divers and Customers Say

* Yeah, like I was in the SEALS, but I can't find my card
* You got any of that scuba stuff here? (toothpick in mouth manditory)
* Can I be certified by tonight, I'm leaving for Cancun tomorrow
* My friend Chuck took me diving once. Can I get a discount?
* I never had this problem before
* Can I hold your hand during the dive?
* Are you married?
* What do you mean I made a 36 on the test?
* I hate your guts
* Thank you very much!

The Great Lies of Scuba Diving

* Sure, anyone can learn to dive!
* Diving is perfectly safe!
* Nah, you don't have to be a good swimmer to dive
* You can learn to dive in just three days!

Useful Hand Signals Not Found in Diving Manuals

* Point finger at SPG. Means: How much air do you have? Raise middle
finger if partner has more air than you!
* Point at mask. Draw line across chest followed by drawing line from
sternum to stomach. Means: Look at the babe over their who's top has
fallen off. Variation #1 Draw line from hip bone to hip bone. Means:
Look at the stud muffin/babe over there who's trunks/bottoms have
fallen down.
* Point in a direction, followed by making squeezing motions with both
hands. Means: Lets follow the gal/guy in the thong!
* Make a motion with hand simulating the use of a yo-yo preceeded with a
pointing motion. Means: Look at the Yo-Yo!
* Point at divers fins. then make circle with right hand while thrusting
left index finger into hole made by right hand followed by pointing at
the bottom. Means Hey you jerk, stop kicking up the F'ing bottom!
* Point at yourself, point at partner. Then make circle with right hand
while thrusting left index finger into hole made by right hand. Means:
Hey, ever done it underwater?
* Thrust finger of either hand against mask of another diver until their
head bounces off cylinder valve. Means: Please pay attrention!
* Point at regulator, then point at crotch or rear end. Means Bite me!