Tuesday, November 15, 2005

November Humor

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and then supply a new definition. These are this year's winners:

1. Cashtration (n): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10 Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

11 Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit)

12 Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right?? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

13 Decafalon (n): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

14 Glibido: All talk and no action.

15 Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

16 Arachnoleptic fit (n): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

17 Beelzebug (n): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

18 Caterpallor (n): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

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LAWS


These are the laws of the natural universe

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become
coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll
to the least accessible corner.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number,
you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late
for work because you had a flat tire, the very next
morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes),
the one you were in will start to move faster than the
one you are in now (works every time).

Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in
water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting
someone you know increases when you are with someone
you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone
that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is
inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are
furthest from the aisle arrive last

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot
coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which
will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people
in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an
open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor
covering are directly correlated to the newness and
cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you
are.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you
don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.


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Respect

A man and his friend were hunting deer in rural Missouri near a blacktop highway. A huge buck walked by and the hunter carefully drew his bow and took careful aim.
Before he could release his arrow, his friend alerted him to a funeral
procession passing on the road below their stand.

The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer.

His friend was amazed. "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I have ever known."

The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."

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Wisdom from Grandpa


Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg,
depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt,
that he forgets his sugar.

Too many couples marry for better, or for worse,
but not for good.

When a man marries a woman, they become one;
but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

When a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred,
she will never turn into an old nag.

On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past -
but never the present.

A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin' ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'.
No wife of mine is gonna work."

The bonds of matrimony are a good investment,
only when the interest is kept up.

Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds, and is in good health,
and he's already used to taking orders.

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age,
and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth.... Remember about Algebra.

You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up, or leaks..

I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging
is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper,
but it's really worse when you forget to pull it down.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks , it was called witchcraft........
Today, it's called Golf.

He who laughs, lasts.

I've gotten to the age where I need my false teeth and hearing aid before I can ask where I left my glasses.

I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

If I knew I was going to get this old, I would have taken better care of myself when I was young.

If you laugh a lot, when you get older your wrinkles will be in the right places.

Middle age is when you burn the midnight oil around 9:00 PM.

My grandson asked me if I still look at young women -
I said yes, but I can't remember why.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill.

The big thing today is computer dating. If you don't know how to run a computer it really dates you.

The golden years: When actions creak louder than words.

There's nothing wrong with the younger generation that twenty years or so won't cure.

When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all-bran?

The older you get, the better you get, (unless you're a banana).

Of all the things I've lost . . . . I miss my mind the most.