Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Humor

Quotables



"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." Woody Allen

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"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
Rodney Dangerfield

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"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner

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"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." Camille Paglia

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"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
George Burns

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"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone

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"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Tiger Woods

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"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson

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"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

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"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams

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"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." Billy Crystal

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"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." Robert De Niro

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"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman

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"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'." Jerry Seinfeld

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"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time" Robin Williams

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" It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers

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" Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy." Steve Martin

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" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life." Elmo Phillips

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" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde

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" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns


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Ten New Excellent Drugs for Women!


D A M N I T OL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers
unconscious for up to two days.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration,
and credit limit of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

N A G A M E N T
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.



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Deep Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously

It’s good to review these occasionally…




1. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

2. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

3. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

4. A day without sunshine is like...night.

5. The early bird may get the worm, but it’s the second mouse that gets the cheese from the trap.

6. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

7. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

9. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

10. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

11. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

12. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

13. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

14. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

15. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

16. 99.9 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

17. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

18. Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

19. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

20. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

22. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

23. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened?

25. Life isn't like a box of chocolates.... it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

26. Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.




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WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to
purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television
set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and
dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's
Pillsbury, isn't it?

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons
for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this,
yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
( I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed
says.........."HEBREWS"

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning
business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a
piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

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A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class. She presented each child the first half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you! While reading these, keep in mind that these are 6-year-olds - because the last one is classic!



1. Don't change horses......................... until they stop running.

2. Strike while the................................... bug is close.

3. It's always darkest before ................ Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of ...................termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but..........................how?

6. Don't bite the hand that ..........................looks dirty.

7. No news is................................... impossible.

8. A miss is as good as a ............................. Mr.

9. You can't teach an old dog new ..................... math.

10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll ..............stink in the morning

11. Love all. Trust................................... me.

12. The pen is mightier than the ................... pigs.

13. An idle mind is........................ the best way to relax.

14. Where there's smoke there's....................... pollution.

15. Happy the bride who...................... gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is ............................. not much.

17. Two's company, three's ....................... the Musketeers.

18. Don't put off till tomorrow what............. you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and .........you have to blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as ................... Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not .................. spanked or grounded

22. If at first you don't succeed .................. get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you.......... see in the picture on the box.

24. When the blind lead the blind .................get out of the way.

The WINNER and last one!

25. Better late than ........................ pregnant!


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Circle Flies

A cowboy in Montana got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding; The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The cowboy said, "Having some problem with Circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of Circle flies."

So the cowboy says, "Well, circle flies are common on ranches. See they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.

Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

The cowboy says, "Oh no, Trooper. I have too much respect for law enforcement to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the cowboy says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

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On the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina this story emerged (not real, of course!)

As a helicopter approached a house roof top surrounded by raging flood waters, he noticed 10 people ...9 men and 1 woman frantically waving to him.

The helicopter dropped a line and all ten grabbed the rope. Unfortunately, the helicopter was unable to lift all ten off the roof because it was simply too much weight.

Then the pilot said over the loudspeaker, " I am sorry, but I am unable to lift all of you. You will have to decide who remains whil I lift the others. I will return as soon as possible."

At first everyone simply clung to the rope and no one let go.

Then the woman spoke, "I am a woman and used to sacrifice ... I sacrifieced for my kids, my husband, my home, my career, my church and so one more sacrifice will be acceptable to me."

"I hope you remember me and my sacrifice for you with kindness."

The men clapped.


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Duck Blind

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Did you ever work real hard on a project - and have a feeling that it was go

ing to end up like this?


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Deep Relief

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Lost Dog