Sunday, September 04, 2005

Humor for September, 2005

Interesting Quotes


{1} The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.

[2] The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

[3] We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?

[4] It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper.

[5] It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.

[6] Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome."

[7] Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.

[8] Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers.

[9] It is not exactly cheating, I prefer to consider it creative problem solving.

[10] Behind every successful woman, is a man who is surprised.

[11] whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know where to shop.

[12] Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.

[13] Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

[14] Forgive your enemies but remember their names.

[15] Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour.

Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

[16] The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action

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ALASKAN RETIREMENT

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so, of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.

He opens it and sees a huge, bearded man standing there.


"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night...


Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."


"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."


As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...... There's gonna be some drinkin'."


"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."


Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."


"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, Thanks again."


"More'n likely be some wild sex, too," says Lars.


"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea "I've been all alone for six months!


I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"


"Don't much matter ..... Just gonna be the two of us."


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Jewish Mothers

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one on the right."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?

The Jewish mother replies, "I don't like her."

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The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that WonTon spelled backwards is Not Now.

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There's a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school.

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Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?

A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

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Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American Princess horror movie?

A: It's called Debbie Does Dishes.

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Q: Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers?

A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

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Q: What's a Jewish American Princess' favorite position?

A: Facing Bloomingdale's

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When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came back, she replied, "So did my arthritis."

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A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"

"Not too good", says the mother. "I've been very weak."

The son says, "Why are you so weak?"

She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."

The man says, "That's terrible! Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"

The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

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A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play.

"Wonderful! What part is it?" replies his mother.

The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."

The mother scowls "That's terrible. Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

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Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?

A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

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Q - How does a Jewish mother change a light bulb?

A -(Sigh) Don't bother, I'll sit in the dark, I don't want I should bother anybody.

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Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."

"Force yourself" she replied.

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Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother?

A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

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Jewish telegram: "Start worrying. Details to follow "

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Nominated as the best short joke this year . . .

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. "Mom", he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.

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Football


Football FINALLY makes sense.......... A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

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Boudreaux and the Froggie

Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day an he done run outta night crawlers.

He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wit a big frog in his mouf. He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs, so he decides to steal dat froggie.

Dat snake, he be a cotton moufed water moccasin, so Boudreaux had to be real careful or he'd get bit.

He snuk up behine de snake and grabbed him roun de haid.

Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit. He squirmed and wrapped hisself roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to get hisself free. But Boudreaux, him, hada real good grip on his haid, yeh. Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his bait can.

Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or he's gonna bite him good, but he had a plan. He reach into de back pocket of his bib overhauls and pulls out a pint a Tennessee hillbilly moonshine likker. He pour some drops into de snakes mouf.
Well, dat snake's eyeballs roll back in his haid and his body go limp. Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou, den he goes back to fish'n.

A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin' on his barefoot toe.

He slowly look down and dere be dat cotton moufed water moccasin, wif two more frogs.
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